Interpreting Gifts 

Preface: I haven't blogged in over a year, here on the other side of that blog post, I find myself as a very different person. My last post about my grandmother marked a significant turning point in my life. I never want to stop growing and changing as a person, but this year I learned that at times certain events or situations prove to be catalysts to change and we all of a sudden make significant strides towards goals that otherwise were being obtained in a snail like fashion. I hope to blog more on this in the future once I have better clarity about how to best communicate the last year of my life in a public domain. Meanwhile, I'd love to share a story with you. Names and insignificant details have been changed or remain ambiguous to protect identity. 

A few months had passed since I last saw Katy. It is not uncommon that one of my patients reveals to me a desire to end their life. Very rarely do they actually plan to do so, but many are plagued with dark and lonely thoughts that they would be better off dead. Katy was one of those people. I walked into the room unsure of what state I would find her in. I greeted Katy with a smile and hello as I sat down on the twisty stool and signed into the Electronic Medical Record session. I stopped typing, and turned so my body faced Katy instead of the inanimate computer screen. "How are you?" I asked.

This question is often difficult to ask. The heaviness that frequently exists on the other side looms in the depths of my heart. The answers are often weighed down even more by the mere prevalence of the all too common responses drenched in hopelessness, anxiety, depression, stress, bondage, and injustices.

The beautiful thing about this world is that light and darkness coexist. Katy's answer was a ray of sunlight breaking through the darkness she often struggles to keep at bay. She smiled, "Doctora, estoy muy bien, mejor." Which translates "Doctor, I am doing a really well, better." She then pulled out a bag full of her craft. An expression of joy and pride transformed her face as she pulled one of her masterpieces out. "Esto is para ti." Which means, "This is for you." In the time that passed between our visits she had starting engaging in a craft which was a passion for her and gifting others with the work of her hands. Her joy in gifting me with this product of her creativity and skill was palpable. Light bursting through a dark struggle. Hope rising. Light illuminating. I was curious and inquired as to what had changed over the last few months. She mentioned she was praying and going to mass. Additionally, her craft helped to provide her with moments of enjoyment and pleasure.

What Katy gifted to me that day was not simply a material thing but a byproduct of her enjoyment and a reminder that hope does exist in not only the lives of our patients but in our lives as well. Darkness and light coexist in this world. Would we be a hopeful people both recognizing and shining light in the darkest areas with a persistent hope and and unwavering faith in the Light of the Word.

Reflections on Losing a Grandmother

I wrote this about a month ago. Tonight I am sad. I miss my Grandmother so much. I really would like her back. I wrote this piece as a personal reflection but am posting it to honor her. This an email she wrote to me a while back: 

Your blog is wonderful.  When I read it I took a copy to Granddaddy to read.  I said, "I wish I were educated enough to write something like this.  You are a good writer.  I hope you will remember me with all your blogs.  I hope you had a wonderful Christmas.  I'm sure your total attention is on studying at the moment.  I think of you every day and tell everyone I meet how great you are in all ways.  I love you girl.
Grams

This goes out to you Grams, I miss you every day. 

Grams holding me when I was born

I was a little older here

I don’t remember the first time I learned about death, it has always been a reality to me. I never knew my Mom’s Dad, Neilson Beard, or Grandaddy Neilson as I have always thought of him.  I remember my Mom explaining to me when I was a child that death was the culprit that deprived me of the pleasure of knowing him. 

I have lost others that I knew; great grandparents, acquaintances, etc. I felt death’s sting, but only for a bit. I have seen others weep and mourn over lost ones from afar causing sympathy to well up within, but only for a moment. I’ve seen death from afar and shivered. I have never liked death and always feared the day when someone I was very close to would take his or her final breath. I couldn’t really think about it because even the distant thought was too painful for me.  I have seen a lot of hard things, witnessed many travesties but never has death robbed me of someone I cherished and loved deeply, never have I tasted its bitterness until Sunday, February 17^th , 2013. This was the day I had to face this notorious thief head on. He came up and sat right beside me, and the pain of its presence broke my heart.

In the past week I have cried more tears than I have in the past 10 years combined. I have felt an intense anger and moments of severe depression. I made a conscious decision to let every emotion come, to feel it until it left and to talk about what I was feeling with those around me.  By the miracle of my faith, I personally believe Grams is in a better place. By the miracle of her faith, she is in a better place…. to be honest this truth gives me peace but it does not take away the reality of her loss. It does not solve the problem that her presence is forever gone on this earth. It does not make me miss her any less. I will never get another email from her, she will never post on my facebook wall again, I will never celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving with her, her warm embrace is forever gone and her humor, laugh and smile will never enrich my presence. She is gone, and for whatever number of days I have left here on earth, this void will be felt. And eternal life doesn’t solve this problem.

I have been robbed of someone who held me in my very first moments of life, I have been robbed of a loving grandmother whose presence I have always known. I am intensely thankful for every memory I have of her and with her. I know she loved and cherished me as her granddaughter. I know she knew I loved and cherished her as my grandmother, but I want her back. This is just the plain and simple truth. I wasn’t ready to loose her, and I never would have been.

All of these raw emotions have led me to think about death. The bible isn’t completely clear about if physical death existed before the fall of man. We know the death of plants occurred because they were given as food but as far as human life, we are not sure. God told Adam he would die if he ate the fruit but he didn’t immediately physically die, his death was a spiritual one. Thankfully, as we see in Romans, the problem of spiritual death has been solved through Jesus, “so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord” (Romans 5:21).  People have written long and detailed reasoning about if there was or wasn’t physical death before the fall but I do know that the pain caused by physical death likely did not exist before the fall and I also think of what God had to say to Adam after this event “By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return. (Genesis 3:19), it seems as if returning to dust was one of the mentioned “punishments.”  Through fact and reasoning I have come to the humble and possibly incorrect conclusions that either a. physical death of humans did not exist or b. because of the perfect union with God that existed, physical death did not cause pain.

Out of these contemplations, I have come to a deeper understanding of grace, salvation and the human body through the death of Grams. Ever since I believed in Jesus I feel like it has been a journey of understanding the value of grace. I thought that I got grace when I believed but really through the years, I just come to value and understand it more and more. As if grace is this gift that just keeps giving through a deepened revelation of understanding and thankfulness.

As I saw the body of my lifeless grandmother in her casket, I understood in a new way the value of our soul. Without her soul, what lay there, without any movement was just a “tent”. It was her earthy home that she left to dwell in her “building from God” eternal in the heavens (2 Corninthians 5:1). Our bodies are but vessels that carry our soul, until our soul returns to be with Jesus permanently. Our bodies are temples that house the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19) until the day we die where this vessel is left behind to return to dust. However, because of what Jesus did on the cross, death is not the final answer. So as her body will return to dust, her soul is alive with God, completely satisfied. The amazing power displayed on the cross prevented death from separating us from the love of Christ. What love and power that is. What a miracle faith is that my heart believes this against any biological or practical reasoning. We witness two miracles here. I rejoice in these truths.

As we are left here, how do we experience the same love and power demonstrated through the salvation of my grandmother? For one, amidst the fact of eternal life it is okay to mourn and weep. When Mary lost her brother, Lazarus, Jesus saw her weeping and he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. Jesus also wept himself in response to a death. A sinless man wept. There is no sin in weeping here. He knew fully the power He had over death and he still wept. (John 11:33-35). Death of those we love is a sad, tear producing thing that we can fully experience under the love of Christ, knowing it is in his very character to be deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled over our sadness. So in this sadness and mourning I look to Jesus for his comfort because I know his love is powerful, he said it himself as recorded in Matthew 5:4, blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. So in this state I am sad and blessed and under the rule of a loving creator who overcame death so that he could be with this creation forever. I will walk through the loss of my beloved grandmother and feel the pain of her absence but be thankful for her sweet spirit I got to love and with confidence I say that when my perishable body puts on the imperishable and my mortal self puts on immortality I will be able to stare at death as it comes to free me of my earthly body and say “Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” (1 Cor 15:54-55). Until then, we walk by faith and in our pain and grief we know more deeply the love and grace of our creator who cared enough to not let the sins of Adam and Eve separate us forever. In pain and grief we remain thankful servants to our benevolent creator.

To mentor, an act of worship

I don't have anything eloquent to say about the past 5 days. I'm tired emotionally, spiritually, physically. I'll blog one day about the past 5 days but today, in reflecting on my weekend, I wanted to share and reflect what it means to me to be a mentor to me as partially inspired by Romans 12.

It means walking through the good and bad. It means entering their lives, entering the pain, entering the confusion and loving them right through it. It means remaining a faithful presence. It means rejoicing when they rejoice and weeping when they weep. It means loving until it hurts for the sake of the gospel. It means being patient in tribulation, it means rejoicing with HOPE and it means being CONSTANT in prayer.. It means having your heart broken but then looking to the Lord for hope. Mentoring is one of the responses of my heart to the Lord. To me it is an offering to God, an act of worship. To love for the sake of the Gospel, I am compelled only by Christ.

Burdens to Praise

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Mother Teresa

The past year of my life has probably been one of the most difficult years by far. Transitioning into a new career, new job, a new state, new city, new region, new culture ......
It was a transformative year without doubt. I remember leaving a patient's room and thinking "man I have to be an adult now, this is a for-real job... darn". I can say with certainty that my life will never be the same. I have learned valuable lessons and my heart has become increasingly burdened for justice, hope and freedom for God's people. It is joy in its purest form to serve my patients and the girls I mentor, but so often I have felt incredibly weighed down, tired... well actually exhausted. PA school was intense but I poured out all my energy academically but what is different is now I consistently am giving not only of my mind/thought but my heart/soul. I often don't feel like I have anything left to give to family or friends...

The past few weeks of my life have been especially hard. My heart literally ached for many different things. I felt a consistent temptation to throw in the towel. I wanted to "take a break" from mentoring, work part time and move to a nice comfortable loft apartment in downtown Charlotte (not that there is anything wrong with that, but it would be completely ignoring the specific calling God laid on my life). My life is so busy, I go, go, go.... I have to force myself to rest. Then when I'm resting.. I'm thinking of how to best manage my patient with emphysema or how to best reach this particular girl, or if I will see victory in sin in my life.... and on and on.

I read that quote from Mother Teresa and it encouraged me in the most incredible way. Loving until it hurts for the sake of more love. To JOYFULLY carry these burdens.
I see so much of God's grace in this past year and even week. Over the past 27 years He has equipped me to do the very thing I'm doing here. He has equipped my mind, heart, and entire being. He has provided some of the most God fearing precious friends to walk with. One of my best friends here is a champion encourager, she has been blessed with this gift and has subsequently encouraged me beyond belief with her words and prayers and yet another friend encourages me with her life, she runs after the Lord with passion and straight up fervor and shares similar burdens which is always sharpening and encouraging. I could write an entire blog post about the beautiful people I share life with actually... (maybe later) but by God's grace I have come to a place in the past day where I desire to turn these burdens to praise. I do it imperfectly as any of my coworkers could attest to as I grumbled about how tired I was at work today........ but what a joy and privilege it is to care for people of this neighborhood and to carry the burden with JOY and thankfulness.

I'll end with lyrics to one of my new favorite songs by Pat Little Band called Jesus, I Lift My Eyes (based on Psalm 17)

Hear O Lord my righteous plea
Listen to my cry
Give ear to my prayer
For it comes
Desperately
In desperate need I come to You
You're my rock
and my strength

Jesus I lift my eyes to the heavens
Where does my help come from
You O my Lord
My heart has a thousand words to say
Please Lord turn burdens into praise

And I in righteousness
I will see Your face
And when I awake
I will be
Satisfied
Satisfied in You

Speak

One of my favorite historical figures is the very man who has about a million streets named after him, Martin Luther King Jr. (FYI Chicago was the first city to do this)

I love reading his speeches. His heart was beautiful and cared deeply for the oppressed and powerless. He loved God, loved his country, loved justice and perhaps most significantly understood the importance of love. On of my professors from PA school just sent me an email with a quote from MLK I had never heard. It was said at a speech given on April 4, 1967, at "a meeting of Clergy and Laity Concerned at Riverside Church in New York City". He was speaking about the war in Vietnam then this quote comes in the context of him saying that because he is a Son of the Living God he has this calling on his life, he states

"This I believe to be the privilege and the burden of all of us who deem ourselves bound by allegiances and loyalties which are broader and deeper than nationalism and which go beyond our nation's self-defined goals and positions"

So he is saying that he is bound to something much deeper than nationalism and as Christians this call is on our life:

"We are called to speak for the weak, for the voiceless, for victims of our nation and for those it calls enemy, for no document from human hands can make these humans any less our brothers."

Sure MLK was not talking about the undocumented immigrants among us. But this truth he proclaims is insanely relevant to our modern day. Lately Ive been studying the Isaiah 58, which part of the passage reads

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
¹⁰ and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
¹¹ The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

I don't write these words with any political agenda, in fact I don't even know who is running for the republican candidacy (that's how out of tune I am with politics). I love republicans, I love democrats, I'm not sure who the tea party people are but I'm sure I'd love them too. I love all the people that aren't even sure what a republican or democrat even is. MLK was very outspoken politically. I try not to be. Politics are complicated. I often see both sides of most arguments. Immigration is tricky. There are more than 2 sides of the proverbial coin. All I'm saying is lets love our fellow man regardless of any papers they may or may not have. Lets seek to humbly fight injustice and do our part in freeing the oppressed.

Copy of the speech
http://www.hartford-hwp.com/archives/45a/058.html

For fun
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_streets_named_after_Martin_Luther_King,_Jr.

Let Hope Rise

I never have an issue with sleeping, actually, I have been known to fall asleep before I even have time to roll over and turn off my lamp. The past two nights I have been up late thinking. Thinking about all sorts of things. As a result, Dunkin Donuts is going to increase their daily revenue by like 2 dollars and some cents tomorrow. Skim milk, one splenda please and thank you.

I keep playing the song "With Everything" by Hillsong over and over again on my computer. Hillsong so appropriately expresses my prayer.

Open our hearts,
To see the things
That make Your heart cry,
To be the church
The You would desire.
Light to be seen.

Break down our pride,
And all the walls
We've built up inside,
Our earthly crowns
And all our desires,
We lay at Your feet.

So let hope rise,
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light,
And every eye will see
Jesus, our God,
Great and mighty to be praised.

I know a lot of you who read my blog aren't sure about Jesus. I get that. I really do. I know a lot of you might get Jesus but not understand suffering and pain. I get that also. I've been there.... I still have unanswered questions but if Jesus really was the son of God.... it should and does change everything... right?

But because I believe He was who he said he was, out of this truth sprouts a hope that can light up darkness. LED super bright style.

Would my heart be extremely sensitive to what makes God's heart cry, would I respond with efforts towards justice and reconciliation.
Would pride fall in my life and out of this broken dam would a mighty current of authenticity flow bringing hope.

Let Hope Rise.
Jesus our God great and might to be praised.
Amen.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSCE8uLuTJY

A Tiny Ripple Of Hope

I had the privilege of sharing the story of some of the women I met when in Atlanta at the National PA Conference in Vegas. Click the youtube link to watch.

Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope... and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance. ~Robert F. Kennedy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rvg0ObudvBk